Patriot Games


I’ve been listening to hip-hop now, technically, for 24 years, although in all honesty in 2004 I got tired of being threatened by members of Roots Manuva’s retinue and unbelievably obscure Battersea rap collectives and so stopped listening to anything that didn’t have Celph Titled on it. It has been a time of wonder – in those years, I have interviewed Ol’ Dirty Bastard perched on the edge of a bed where Buddah Monk was having a nap; I’ve got drunk and embarrassed myself in front of Styles Of Beyond; I’ve even gone into a toilet directly after Cage had a shit in it and been led to wonder about what must be in his diet. But the one frustrating thing that has bedevilled me in those 24 years is something I’m sure most UK hip-hoppers have suffered from time to time – not quite getting the MC’s references.

American MCs, of course, don’t construct their verses with the UK in mind, and so they are bound to be peppered with references to cultural ephemera that we’re not going to get. I’m sure that my man Drew Bangers and my brother from another Hampton Dom Grande got every last one of them, but I had to spend many an hour wondering what it means to form like Voltron, or what a Chlorox box might contain. In the days before Wikipedia, how was I to know that Allen Funt was the creator of Candid Camera, or that Bob Saget was the host of America’s Funniest Home Videos? How could I have possibly imagined that Chips Ahoy are actually chocolate chip cookies and not the potato crisps that I smugly assumed them to be? Or that Smuckers actually exist and make jam, rather than being solely a rap construct designed to rhyme with “motherfuckers”?

In order to fully, 100%, understand US hip-hop you need an exhaustive knowledge of, at a pinch, daytime television, snack foods, alcoholic drinks brands, household cleaning products, sports icons, WWF-era wrestlers, clothing brands, advertising slogans, US-specific fast food outlets… The list goes on and on. I mention all this partly because we stand on the cusp of seeing a uniquely British, uniquely awful act in the shape of N-Dubz “breaking the States”, and the simple fact that N-Dubz can go out there and not be gawped at in blank, frog-eyed incomprehension has given me an idea.

Team Fat Lace has often toyed with the idea of getting into the recording arts – pretty much everyone in the extended squidod is a frustrated DJ or MC (indeed, not especially frustrated in Dan Largiano’s case) so I’m proposing the team construction of a track that Americans simply will not get on any level, on account of references to Eastenders, darts, mid-level Premiership footballers, Countdown, Terrahawks, Ealing Comedy, 1980s sitcoms and World Of Sport. We want at least one totally yank-baffling allusion in every couplet. Then, when we feel like we have enough quality couplets, we’ll chuck them all together, Large can lace up a beat, and then we’ll get one of the top promising rap troupes of the day to perform it. I don’t know, Collapsed Lung or somebody like that. And then we can sell it to Coca-Cola for the 2012 Olympics or some shit.

My opening gambit is

We’re like Bruce Forsythe when we pull cards of dullards
Leave you more injury-prone than Jimmy Bullard.

But I’m sure you can do better. So come on. Write rhymes. Write rhymes FOR BRITAIN.

Words by Johnny Depth

67 Responses to "Patriot Games"
  1. Reply End Level Boss March 12, 2010 05:46 am

    I get fresh, like Gilbert and Gaz
    You fuck up so much, you kind of act like a spaz
    I’m fab, you could say absolutely
    I’m the top banana, like an opal you’re fruity
    Hotter than page 3 of the Sun
    Yes my shit is currant like a Chelsea bun
    Birds can’t resist me, I get finger and tops daily
    Whilst you’re muff-diving skets more fishy than Kayleigh
    I got correcter grammar than Words & Pictures’ Wordy
    I get a shiner from your dorris while I sip on a Purdys
    I’m going to End this now like Crouch, like Peter
    Do the robot by my Economy 7 heater

  2. Reply Jasper Beardley March 12, 2010 06:36 am

    Tizer is a popular drink, and it still is
    I got beef like the real-life son of Doug Willis

  3. Reply H March 12, 2010 07:24 am

    I’m fast and it shows
    overseas you ain’t seen me
    I make less sense than
    Rowley Birkin QC
    might – y Super like Gran
    Smashing Great MCs
    like trees
    through conservatories
    in unexpected breeze
    Fish missed by Michael
    Don’t tell him Pike, I’ll
    not claim to be Jet Set
    I’m more Miner
    but striking
    like Hugh I make Lolly
    just not in the US, yet
    like back when his House Would be
    more on that P.G. Tip
    I Fry with that oxbridge wit
    More Monkey Manic than Stephen, leave’em
    Stig of the dumped
    in the rubbish tip, with
    my sesquipedalian quip
    more Selfish than Will
    still ill like The Smiths was
    more messy that Tiswas
    while you’re more like Posh Paws
    But I do have my own flaws, so

    I’ll get my coat.

  4. Reply Jasper Beardley March 12, 2010 08:56 am

    Leave a mark on your neck like you Dominic Cork
    You gay, got eyes on balls like an end game of Terrahawks
    Johnny Briggs is yo’ man? Yeah, you’ve no need for Razzle
    I leave long aftertaste, just call me Mr Frazzles
    Sock you in the eye, now you’re a mate of Penfold
    I’m epic, born in Mysterious Cities of Gold

  5. Reply Jasper Beardley March 12, 2010 10:04 am

    I’m Ryu or Ken, you be the 3 Ninja Kids
    You spooked, seeing Bobby Simpson in your fridge
    Your bitches? All rejects on Blind Date
    Or worse, Veronica Dribblethwaite
    Leave you laid out like Tiff in the East End
    Have you jerking like the worm out of Let’s Pretend
    Or The Funky Worm, remember how to Hustle?
    I’ll be the one you to love to hate, word to Mr Muscle

  6. Reply Rich March 12, 2010 10:10 am

    Like Mary Whitehouse we address the heathen
    We the best breathin’, got the club on lock with mutton chops like Geoff Keegan
    Crews get butchered like Ricky ‘cos our skills be ill and tricky
    Fat Lace click be steady building, flipping words like Bill the Brickie

  7. Reply Jasper Beardley March 12, 2010 11:30 am

    Flip you in a dogpile? Now that’s a real Ruxpin
    Call me Teddy, and meet my man Dusty Bin
    Like old skool rap producers, you can’t see me
    But I shine like club badges made by Panini

  8. Reply Rich March 13, 2010 16:38 pm

    Out here the coolest cat in leather’s Tucker J not Fonzarelli
    Our fam’s composed of cons like we were relatives of Shelley
    Run the streets like Johnny Briggs dropping rhymes that sound amazing
    Fat Lace kids bringing the drama like the Children’s Film Foundation

  9. Reply Dom Grande March 13, 2010 17:22 pm

    The latest Klashenkoff joint contains the line “Split your wig like Nicky Clarke”. Clearly he’s been taking notes.

  10. Reply DJ MartinRsoul March 15, 2010 06:14 am

    take more pride in my county than i do in my country, west yorkshires White Rose is what Im about see,
    From N.OW, Greenpeace to First Word’s Kidkanevil get your feet n mind movin more than a ferret stote or weasil thats stuck down your kegs looking for an exit
    Leeds, West Yorkshire the White Rose county bringin it live n direct with DJ MartinRsoul always coming correct with his regional dialect
    Yorkshire born Yorkshire bread with a twist of Celt and a twist of Dread nuff said!!!

  11. Reply Drew Huge March 16, 2010 13:18 pm

    It’s where Biggins is on safari with Hurricane Higgins
    A picnic, pies courtesy of Mrs Miggins
    Our retired soap stars always stay fly
    Kathy Beale divorced Pete to suck cocks in a layby
    think your clique is mean? soft as Letitia Dean
    rolling with Rolly, rockin’ haircuts like 80’s goalies
    We take our holidays with dudes at Hoseasons
    and there’s always more reasons to shop at Morrisons
    think that was assonance? call an ambulance
    to holby city, you was blinded by a thomas dolby ditty
    you ain’t black you’re wack, we’re much blacker, jack
    you couldn’t crush a grape if you watched Crackerjack
    If Starlight Express doesn’t appeal then Cats will
    For us, West End shows are Child’s Play like Michael Aspel
    You’re busy rhymin’? We’re busy playin’ Simon
    and Grandstand Astro Wars then we Manic Minin’
    10 Print “All your crew is bent”
    and we outta here, 20 Goto 10

  12. Reply big ted (not the DJ, the one off playschool) March 16, 2010 17:11 pm

    end level boss. was shante on get fresh with gaz top back in the day or did I just imagine it? cheers.

  13. Reply Morgz March 17, 2010 05:06 am

    You stepping to me mate that’s fuckin tragic/cos i’ll twat you in a breath and still have time to spank my monkey magic/my crew be murderous here to rape and pillage/like the dad of vicky the viking and his warlords with Their aim at a village

  14. Reply Johnny Depth March 17, 2010 05:25 am

    I’m kind of fat these days but gym’ll fix it
    For the now, call me Half Man Half Biscuit
    When your girl sees me she wills cocks like Toyah
    Cos of how I be chainin’ letters like Paul Coia
    I’m going Nationwide like Lawley, Sue
    Call me National Express because I surely do
    Got your bitch giving me head, rim, blumpies, busted nuts
    Because I make you look wacker than Dumpy’s Rusty Nuts
    The Oxy 10 on your face is the only way you get cream, bub
    Now let’s dead this and go play the quizzies in a theme pub.

  15. Reply Drew Huge March 17, 2010 08:36 am

    The very best way to get your dome cracked?
    Clog up the pubs on Paddy’s day, rocking the foam hats
    Having trouble stacking cheddar due to early closing banks
    You sitting on chrome? We’re sitting on Armitage Shanks
    Battle me? You’re Simon Callow with a chance in a million
    I’ve got bigger Fish to fry like clapping dude from Marillion
    Your money’s short, why don’t you tell me what you’re funds worth
    Before I leave you in loving memory like Ivy Unsworth
    You say you’re old school or new school when you flow
    but fat lace says down with skool as any fule kno
    you dozy like Daily Mail mums with the MMR jab
    We steal your whole identity on some Andy McNab

  16. Reply Richie Sodapop March 18, 2010 17:48 pm

    I use a rubber johnny/ when I’m having a posh wank/
    Otherwise it gets messy/ Peter Duncan in the gunge tank

  17. Reply BillyNick March 26, 2010 21:17 pm

    any fule kno….brownosing aside that made my day.
    Word to Nigel Molesworth.
    Standard is too high to compete with

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