Dat Pith #2: We review mixtapes without listening to them

It’s 2010, and nobody wants to read a music review that tries for some sort of in-depth tonal analysis, or places an artiste in their sociopolitical context, or even mentions the music really. No, you read a review for some cheap zings about a musician’s hairstyle, their dress sense, and their choice in song titles. Therefore, we present to you the second in our Dat Pith series of mixtape reviews, where we promise you we never have, and never will, listen to a second of recorded output by any of these people.

C.Wells – D-day Deluxe

So this is the DVD cover for some sort of Nollywood horror flick, right? I don’t mean just because of the font, hap-hazard pentagram and Brian Clough skintone colour filter, but my man here has the Lagos fade haircut down pat, not to mention the diamond earring and suit game of a man who know he’s gonna be Phones4u’s employee of the month, and has already spent that £100 bonus in his head. Presumably not on a graphic designer, though. If C.Walls was one of those mid-coast beta rappers that Swedish art students like, I’d assume “Lost In Translation” was some sort of “concept” track with him “narrating” as Bill Murray’s character from the white-whine non-classic, but as he’s a Houstonite MC I’m gonna guess that it just features him making “ching chong ching” noises as a hook.

Yung Sli – The Year of Da Sli

So anyway, it turns out some kid I used to go to school with is now doing gay porn. Like, y’know, fair play to him and all, don’t knock the hustle, but it’s still a little unnerving knowing that the guy who sat behind me in Year 11 English Literature is now making part of his living doing A2M scenes with Latvian immigrants for £250 a (pop) shot. And yet, no matter how gay taking the engorged member of an Eastern European economic migrant out of your puckered, baby-pink asshole and placing it, fecal matter, lube, pre-cum and all, into your throat is, it’s still not as gay as a) release a mixtape with this cover b) releasing a mixtape with this cover and then calling a track “I Go Hard”. This is the kinda thing the pause police should be catching in the subbing stage.

Dev-Dapree – Higher Learning

Definitely feeling this cover, it’s like a fever dream that Mark Knopfler had circa the “Money for Nothing” video. As for the symbolism: can’t deny that dollar signs and surprisingly square-handled pistols have their place in rap music, although I’m not 100% sure about the international symbol for lesbianism being situated so close to a fist, that just seems a little unsubtle. As for the RX, that is, of course, the International Air Transport Association’s code sign for defunct Hungarian airline Aviaexpress. Pretty obvious, when you think about it.

Wilsonman – All Or Nothing

Man, are the wheels of pop culture really turning so quickly that mixtape rappers have already gotten around to biting the backdrop from that Die Antwoord video? Joe Budden hasn’t even gotten around to using a lame “Yo-Landi’s fringe” punchline yet. Wilsoman clearly moves fast. Whether or not track 14 here, “Reef’s Shout Out”, contains an endorsement from Mr “It’s Your Letters” himself, Gary Stringer, was unknown as of time of going to press.

Kidd Tech – Da Realest Mixtape

This guy is called Kidd Tech because he’s actually Tech N9ne’s son. I think the problem with this whole series of reviews is that eventually I’m going to run the risk of mocking something that’s actually already intended as a piss-take, but I think I’m safe here, this is just nerdcore or whatever the fuck they’re calling rappers that just rhyme about Zelda these days. Although I’m pretty sure it’s straight blasphemy for a dude who looks so much like St Sebastian to be wearing a yarmulke.

Words by Dom Grande

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