Who the f**k even listens to mixtpapes anymore?

The worst thing about the mixtape era of rap, apart from Waka Flocka Flame, is the demand it puts on a person’s time. We’re far too busy dealing with threatening phonecalls from Triton Credit Services, or rejigging our fantasy football teams to cope with David Dunn’s ongoing injury concerns to actually exert the effort into following, say, J.Cole’s progression from shit unsigned artist to shit major label artist.

So accordingly, and with the full knowledge that music journalists are utterly worthless in 2010 as anything other than a buyer’s guide, we hereby present to you the first in an occasional series on Fat Lace: capsule reviews of Dat Piff-hosted mixtapes based on nothing but the cover and tracklisting. I promise not to listen to any of them, because we refuse to waste 45 minutes of my time that could be better spent watching a torrent of mid-90s paranormal teen comedy Round the Twist (it holds up a lot better than Eerie, Indiana) engaging with them.

Grimey J – The Dade Mixtape ’07

I keep trying to use the power of my mind to invert this cover and work out if Grimey J is black or white, but any attempts to un-negative it inside my head just leave me picturing Hillbilly Jim (presumably that’s what the J stands for?). Why would you release a collection of 2007 songs in the run up to 2010 anyway? All of your references to Shabani Nonda and Moritz Volz will just come across as hopelessly outdated. Mixtape closer with “Life Is Wutchu Make It”. My guess is that this features Grim Jim in “reflective” mood over either strings or an acoustic guitar sample.

Dood Brah Volume 1 – Hosted By DJ Marty

Man, remember when schmucks putting out cheap go-nowhere albums for shits and giggles would scan in a photo of themselves onto their 486 PC and use MS Paint to draw dollar signs and grizzly bears all over it? Rap has regressed so much in the past decade. What even is this cover? It looks like the kind of images German hackers used to put on old pirated computer games so you’d know who was responsible for your knock-off copies of Turrican and Kick Off 2. Still, “I Fucked Your Mom” and “Booty Buck Naked” are at least promising titles in a “I miss the Bloodhound Gang, or at least miss them before they went all ironic gay Bam Margera on us” way.

Haitian – Haitian Versus Da Industry

Da Industry TKO 1. Claims on one track to be “DA KOOLEST HAITIAN ALIVE”, which can only be seen as a direct challenge to powderpuff-fisted boxing non-sensation and WBC welterweight champ Andre Berto.

Bo Kane – Target Practice

Bo Kane looks like the drummer from a German horrorpunk band and has decided to digitally edit his mixtape cover to give the impression that someone has set fire to his shoulders but left his beautiful cravat alone. Track titles include “Neckwork”, “I Been getting’ Money” and “Look In My Eyes ft Brohenn” (Bro-hen, like a hen, I hate hens) make me conclude that the faux-Ed Hardy font used on the cover was probably deliberate.

Sway – The Sway Da Safo Mixtape

I checked, and apparently this is an unofficial bootleg mixtape? I was stunned, because the care and attention that’s gone into the artwork, from making all of the flags slightly different sizes, through to the “your mum tries writing a letter on a computer in 1996” font, through to the fact it looks like something that would be shoved up in the “community notices” section of your local Co-Op, is really quite something.

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