Your old friend Captain Splattahouse has been laying in the cut recently, partly because he has been nursing a clinical addiction to red wine and porn, but also because this next item of pointless violence has special significance this week. I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer is, surely to goodness, the only film in existence that combines the traditional slasher flick with cricket. And, what with The Ashes just starting and the Fat Lace team boasting no small amount of cricketing talent – Drew Huge actually once shouted at me for failing to pouch a tricky edge off his skiddy fast-medium-pacers – the time is now to big it up.

The deal is that there’s a kid who was bullied when he was a child for being a bit shit at cricket. Lord knows, we’ve all been there. 20 years down the line, having progressed to full psycho status – and, disquietingly, looking the dead spit of watercolour-painting former England wicketkeeper Jack Russell, complete with soup-strainer moustache – he sets about killing the members of the cricket team who were once his tormentors.

In order to go about this, he uses a variety of methods based around the tools of the cricketing trade, so there’s sharpened, metal-tipped stumps jammed down throats, a cricket ball covered in hefty nails stuffed into faces and, in what will cause the uncomfortable crossing of legs in the male members of the audience (no pun intended), one poor unfortunate is forced at blade-point to put on a cricket box covered with nails, pointing inwards. Crazy scrotal trauma on the regular!

In terms of straight-up splatter, I Know How Many Etc. scores a solid three out of five – next to something like Machine Girl, it’s on some Bambi isht. But it makes up for it in inventive uses of the accoutrements of the beautiful game, and to sugar the pill further, there is a completely fucking magnificent, ridiculously lingering five-minute shower scene in which the main female character is body-doubled by one Arianna Starr, who is the current Miss Nude Australia and who is about as tappable-uppable as it’s possible for one hen to be. Google that shit right now.

I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer, in addition to upping my word count just nicely, is, without a doubt, the premier Australian cricket-based slasher movie currently available on the market. At least, I hope it is, or else I’ll look a right cunt.