Product Placement

Damn homie, Fat Lace Magazine (the blog) is three months old, give or take a few minutes. We done brought you a classic magazine backs in the day, now we done brought you a classic blogazine. Admit it, it’s in your top twenty daily jump-offs. Right? Wrong. Ok. So we don’t just bring you irreverent old school gags and cheeky British wit, we’re mad edumacative but we bet you’re saying “these guys would never dedicate an entire post to obscure beverages”. Well, you’d be right. We got our man Chops, formerly of the Mountain Brothers, now producer to the stars to do just that. Avid fans of the Lace will remember Chops et al brought you a rough guide to Illadelphia back in the day courtesy of your ageing B-Boy buddies. So if you don’t know your Jeff Gordon from your Faygo Redpop, toss that Dr. Pepper away because you…must…learn.

“Wusshappenin I’m CHOPS, a producer who’s worked with artists ranging from Kweli to Jeezy. I started out as part of a group (Mountain Brothers) and we did a Sprite commercial back when. As much as I enjoyed Sprite (they gave us some for free), I have felt the need to share my love for other, less famous beverages.”

THUMS UP COLA

Where to find: INDIAN GROCERY
One of life’s great joys is walking into a store where people look at you funny the whole time, and emerging with snacks and sodas you never heard of. I bought this mostly because the spelling of “thumbs” is jacked up. Little did I know it would turn out to be hearty and refreshing! I found out later it’s considered a manly drink, which makes sense since I’m a manly motherfucker. And the thumb logo lets you know – once you purchase and consume this, everything is gonna be okay. Thums Up!

AGUA DE COCO

Where to find: A LOT OF DIFFERENT ETHNIC STORES
In Hawaii I met a dude slangin coconuts by the side of the road. He poured the juice in a container, and then hacked up the rest with a machete so I could enjoy some delicious coconut pieces. When you get tired of lugging around a machete, this drink is the next best thing. It even has the little pieces right there in the can (get a tall can – the short ones are for bitches). There’s a gang of different brands of this stuff. I’ve tried damn near all of them. One tasted like rotten boiled onions, but I forget which.

SAC SAC

Where to find: ASIAN GROCERY
This one is Korean. Same concept as Agua de Coco, but for Mandarin oranges instead of coconut. It has little pulp sacs in it, fully intact, with juice still inside – which gives you the feeling of drinking an orange. What baffles me is, how do they get the sacs out without popping them? I picture child laborers peeling every little orange wedge and plucking out each sac, getting thrashed if any leak out. And I feel sad. Until the flavor hits my taste buds and I go “MMMMMM”!

MALTA GOYA

Where to find: ANY GROCERY OR DOLLAR STORE THAT DOESN’T SUCK
Back when I was extra broke from keeping it extra real, this was the only bottled drink I could get three for a dollar. Usually you can’t even get empty bottles for that price, so how is this miraculous liquid available at such low cost? It’s a by-product of making beer. I do make a lil more scrilla now but this drink is still the truth. Why buy a bottle of Dom P when you can get a thousand bottles of this instead, and still have stripper money?

FAYGO REDPOP

Where to find: THE MIDWEST
This soda, or “pop” as they say in Detroit where it originated, is not real easy to find outside the Midwest unless you frequent dollar stores, or lot stores, where they sell overstock stuff for cheap. Fortunately for me, and for Faygo stockholders, I do frequent those stores. Red is not just a color, it’s a flavor!

IRISH MOSS

Where to find: JAMAICAN FOOD SPOT
My boy Monk hipped me to this one. The name sounds nasty and I think it really has moss in it, but you know it’s good because Nas rapped about it in his song that used “Inna Gadda Da Vida” (not the one by the Black Eyed Peas dude, the other one). It has good flavor and is supposed to boost libido. Drink this sweet beverage and then make sweet love to your woman. Maybe leave the restaurant first.

ORANGE SNAPPLE ICED TEA

Where to find: IN THE PAST
My family bought this by the caseload when I was a kid. But they don’t make it anymore. If I could jump back in time like the Japanese dude from “Heroes”, would I go back to feudal times to fight samurai warriors and save the country? Nope, I’d go back to my youth, grip up as much of this as I could, and then zap back to the present like “I’MRELOADED!”

JEFF GORDON 24 ENERGY

Where to find: WAL-MART NEAR ME
I was at Wal-Mart supporting foreign economy again, and spotted this drink that said “Limited Edition” with sporty hot rod flame graphics. I figured I better get one. It tastes kinda like citrus chemicals. But in a way that makes you want to drink more, even if it might be better for your car than for you. I looked other places but couldn’t find any. They still have them at the Wal-Mart by me though.

HORCHATA

Where to find: MEXICAN FOOD SPOT OR GROCERY
Basically a cinnamon rice milk. First time I drank this was a place called Orange Bee Jay (pause) in Los Angeles while hangin out with my brother. They had chorizo breakfast burritos, perfect for filling your belly after a long night of trying to get Raekwon to kick a complete third verse. Orange Bee Jay has since become “Machos Tacos”and I have not returned.

CORNER STORE ICED TEA

Where to find: 40TH AND LANCASTER
I used to live off fried chicken, gizzards, rib tips with pork fried rice, and other gourmet foods from a place called Lucky’s near my old spot in West Philly. I’ve been back a couple times and the grub was a lot nastier than I remember. But the home-made iced tea, served in a big container most places usually use for soup, was still bangin. Plus I got a Das EFX CD from a late-night traveling salesman, for a dollar.

WAWA COOKIES AND CREAM MILK

Where to find: In and around the Philadelphia area there’s a convenience store chain called Wawa. They have their own brand of drinks. My favorite is their Cookies and Cream milk. There’s no stories or anything to go with this one. It’s just some tasty-ass milk.

CHOPS On The Track, Muthafuckas!

http://www.myspace.com/chopsmusicdotcom (new Kanye and CHOPS song up on the myspace)

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