Handle Your B.I.

Are you a rapper? Do you feel that your career’s passing you by? Do you see less talented artists hitting the heights and cashing those seven digit cheques at your expense? Do kids on the internet throw stones at you while mocking your emcee name?

Don’t worry young greenhorn! Allow Cli-N-Tel: the Fat Lace Rap Consultancy to guide you in those vital first steps down the road to rap riches!



We know exactly what makes for a dynamic and commercially appealing rap name. Using our encyclopaedic rap registry alongside the latest technology like the Wu-Tang Random Name Generator v2.4, we’ll ensure that you’ll make a powerful and lasting first impression from your emcee name alone while avoiding the pitfalls of titles like Gravy, Pigeon John and ‘the’ Big Pooh.

BONUS! Early applicants will receive the free leaflet ‘Why Masta Ace Rates But Master Fuol Falls Foul: Your Rap Name And What It Means In 2007’!

“And we think ‘Tairrie B’ will increase market penetration among ABC1′s…”


No longer will you inadvertently hinder your career by wearing the wrong sports brand – our regular expenses paid luncheons with representatives from all the top clothing and footwear companies ensures that we have all the right contacts to certify that you’re pictured in only brands that splash advertising cash, thereby securing your coverage in all major rap and lifestyle publications! (Disclaimer: May involve wearing hideous overly-branded and possibly itchy clothing for purposes of a photo-shoot.)

Thinking about using the vital organ of publicity to let the world know your views on everything from Iran’s increasing nuclear nous to the pedestrianisation of West Croydon high street? Think no more! Our industry-certified media experts will soon having you thinking firmly ‘inside’ the box and ending every sentence you speak until time memorial with “…and I really think that my album’s a classic and it’s in stores now.”

Thanks to a couple of message boards on the internet and our patented ‘stick a pin in the map’ technique, our award-winning group of savvy analysts are always one step ahead of the regional rap pack and know exactly which scenes and locales are going to be the trendy ones to tap into next. Still thinking about paying for a Lil’ Troy guest verse or getting Scottie B to cut a Baltimore remix of your single? Stay ahead of the curve with our advice and tap into the next footnote scene that’s soon to graduate to scorching hot status!

With masculine body art now a vital cog in the modern rap wheel, we’ll teach you which tats work and which look like the permanent memory of a rambunctious stag night gone too far! Our talented team of polytechnic art graduates will let you know why dead pet homages are so pre-millennium, why full-leg Phase 2 burners won’t appeal to the female teenage market, and why tributes to dead rappers are always in fashion!

We also offer: Human Beatbox Resources, Return of the product planning, Top Quality Assurance and Investors in Peoples.

Real names no gimmicks? Not if you want to succeed in the rap game! Call 08457 48 49 50 today and get the advice you need to touch the sky!


“Is Prince Lover Dalu taken?”



7 Responses to "Handle Your B.I."
  1. Reply Safari647 September 19, 2007 06:43 am

    Brilliant…. UK rappers need all the help they can get!

  2. Reply Josephine September 19, 2007 07:31 am

    Case study: I used Cli-N-Tel and now I have so much ‘street cred’ that I don’t know what to do with myself. I just checked my account and it seems that sales of my new album have increased as a result too! FIVE whole copies sold! Of course, granny bought three. And technically no money has crossed hands yet for the others but it will dammit, I know it!

    Thanks Cli-N-Tel!


    MC Masta Mase

  3. Reply whut? September 19, 2007 15:33 pm

    yeah, Big Pooh, that’s a funny name, and what about The Nonse.

  4. Reply boosie September 20, 2007 14:18 pm

    there’s no way this is a real service. i think..

  5. Reply Mike Snoot September 21, 2007 00:07 am

    someone needs to send this to def jam quick sharp!

  6. Reply ‘Prices crazy-high for you to give up loosies a lot’ October 5, 2007 06:45 am

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  7. Reply sm October 10, 2007 18:15 pm

    I have several clients who could do with your services, we shall be contacting you ASAP.

    MC Giro Casher feels his name appeals to the average UK hood but we await your advice.

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